By
Donna Birk
One
of the most important skills we can learn that will help us manage and fulfill
our priorities is to say "No." Once we get there, it becomes easier and easier,
but initially it can be extremely awkward and unpopular with others. Knowing the
stages we’ll go through can help us realize that what’s happening is natural and
that its not just that we can’t seem to do it.
Stage
1: Identifying Opportunities
In
this initial stage we have identified our need to learn to say "No" and have
made it a goal. What happens is that we start to identify opportunities that
have already past where we could have and should have said "No." We may easily
be able to relate to this stage. Most of us at one time or another have said to
ourselves or someone else "I never should have agreed to do this." It’s that
regretful feeling that we didn’t take the chance when we had it. This is an
important stage in the process, though, since it instills within us the negative
experiences that can result from not having said "No." When enough of those
build up, we move on to the next stage.
Stage
2: Backing Up
This
next stage of learning and
practicing saying "No" is the most difficult. What actually happens is that we
continue to say "Yes," but decide later that we really should have said "No." We
get up the courage to make it right, go back to the other person and tell them
we’ve changed our mind. We may feel uncertain, uncomfortable, embarrassed,
unsure of ourselves, and not fully believe that what we’re trying to do is the
right thing. Responses from others who let us know that we’ve let them down,
we’re going back on your promise, or what will they do now certainly contribute
to the discomfort we feel within this stage. We also, however, begin feeling
intense moments of relief, self-confidence, and pride in ourselves. This is a
stage where we seem to need the most reassurance that we’re on the right track.
Bear with it, because it will be well worth it! When these positive experiences
begin to have more impact than the discomfort, we move on to the next stage.
Stage
3: Doing the Right Thing at the Right Time
Within
this stage, we have arrived at a place where we are able to say no at the right
time: immediately. Again, this stage can be somewhat uncomfortable, but much of
the discomfort, fear, and lack of confidence from the last stage has minimized
dramatically. Because we are human beings who have feelings, we may never
completely be rid of some sense of guilt or discomfort, but it will continue to
have less and less of an impact on us.
No
matter what stage you are in or if you’ve just decided to start learning to say
"No," use this information to reassure yourself that you’re not alone, you’re
not crazy, and you’re not a bad person because you say "No" to someone. None of
us are any good to anyone else unless we do what is right for us first.
Author:
Donna Birk is a writer, trainer, coach, and Licensed Social Worker. She founded
and operates People Builders, "Where Your Growth Is Our Goal." Get a FREE goal
setting guide and FREE E-zine at her website: http://www.youcangetitdone.com
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